Ahab's Axplanations

The Federation are once again grateful to Capt A. Hab (M.N. ret'd) for sharing with us recent developments in Grimsby which continue to bare remarkable and coincidental similarities with certain ongoing projects and policies within Kent Police. For example, those of us who were present at a recent meeting held at Nackington where senior officers and staff from FHQ were able to challenge officers and staff from our East Kent BCU regarding the merits, outcomes and achievements of our version of the KPM3, could not fail to notice just how similar our meeting was, compared to the one held in Grimsby to which Capt. A. Hab refers to below !

We will of course bring you further updates from The Captain, when they arrive.

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Amalgamated Union of Grimsby Trawler Operatives

Kipper Procurement Model (update No.1)

Dear Fellow Operatives,

The cold winds of winter have abated and we can at last rest from the task of chipping the ice off our exposed tackle for long enough to be able to consider what progress our vessel has made through the first storms of the new Kipper Procurement Model (KPM3). The Captain had the pleasure of being present last week when representatives from the Admiralty attended the Amalgamated Fishery for just this purpose, and it seems appropriate that I offer you an 'Axplanation' of what discussions took place.

Operatives who are familiar with the workings of the Turbot, Cod and Gurnard process (TCG) will be aware of its similarity to those of Wanghorn's Steam Winch - an antiquated piece of deck equipment in which the component parts rub against each other producing large amounts of smoke and steam but resulting in almost imperceptible forward movement. Our meeting began in a similar way, with some grinding between the larger cogs until the correct gear order was established and the machinery began to turn with more fluidity.

Some of the visiting team had taken time to carry out soundings among Trawler Crews before they put to sea. These Crews lamented that while they had been promised the 'invincible' feeling that comes of having their decks awash with salty sailors, their actual experience was that they often put to sea with crew numbers that would make Ellen Macarthur feel a bit on the lonely side.

The Amalgamated Fishery countered this by presenting a number of slides, which showed that the Kipper Procurement Model saved money, increased performance, improved confidence and put Grimsby among the best performing Fisheries since the young St Peter sat on the stern of his dad's boat tickling trout in the Sea of Galilee. Claims were also made that it cured scurvy, made your whites whiter, was easy to swallow and would help you breathe more easily if you rubbed it on your chest.

This news was greeted with some reluctant mumblings that, yes, the Grimsby Fishery was doing well, but that it probably would have happened anyway, and besides it was early days and anyway we'll just see what it's like in another three months so there. I will, of course, continue to keep a weather eye on the developments here in the East.

Elsewhere, in a neighbouring Sea Area, we hear that specialist Operatives who are turfed out of their hammocks to attend marine incidents at antisocial hours will no longer be able to claim full recompense for the fuel used in their private vessels. This has left many Operatives questioning when this heightened sense of frugality will be extended to reviewing the fleet of large German-built ocean-going yachts that are chartered out to many Admirals and Chief Engineers for the nominal cost to them of a few squid.

Yours 'til next time.

Captain A. Hab, (M.N. Ret'd)

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